I have been so naive:
I thought that changing
The ugly scars of us
Into words so lovely
They sang instead of cried
Would help my heart
Heal itself sweet again.
But all it has done
Is make me feel nostalgic
For the pain.
How twisted it is
That in my effort to
I have taught my heart
To not only know the pain
But accept it-
Perhaps to love it.
I don’t have to cope with it anymore
I don’t have to force myself
To let the darkness go for the sake
Of keeping light in my heart
No longer have to make sure
I see the roses past the thorns
But it’s hard:
I blurred the thorns so out of focus
That everything still glows in pink.
I want to remember why it ended
So that it doesn’t sting so much
But I flavoured the poison
With strawberry syrup
Perhaps turning to poetry
Was not the medicine I needed
As I first thought.
It is becoming a harder barrier
Than this was to begin with
when we’re older
let’s get a house just us two
and we can be naked for whole days
and play cards and drink
and have no clothes on together
let’s go for drives
with no real destination
and play those games like
i spy and i’m going to a party
we can hold hands
and maybe park somewhere secluded
sneak off and have sex
let’s go to dinner
and order all the desserts
and on the way home
get another ice cream
from the van outside our house
let’s get a dog that’s not just mine
and not just yours but both of ours
let’s call him wally
and take him on long long walks
and let him sleep on our bed in the winter
and give him christmas presents
and call ourselves mummy and daddy to him
let’s go places together
dress up real fancy
hold hands and be a couple
introduce ourselves to people together
sit together at the dinner table
and play secret footsie underneath
whilst making polite conversation
with the other guests
i like the idea of being a grown up with you
let’s do it together
It was Halloween.
That was the first time.
I looked into the mirror and saw your name written in my eyes
And really, then, I knew.
It was Christmas.
That’s when it hurt to think of you
And the pain felt good.
And every night I dreamt of you
And I knew then that for the foreseeable future
Not a day would pass where you weren’t on my mind.
So on valentines day and you were hers
Sitting beside you was the best gift
I could have asked for
And I wanted you more than anything.
Easter. You were broken
And I thought I was your medicine.
I can heal you, can’t i?
I must be able to because you can
Heal my wounds by looking at them
And make me shine by smiling at me
Summer sun and I gave myself to you
Completely even knowing I shouldn’t
But I was never not going to.
Let’s be honest.
And you squeezed my heart dry
And I wrote your name across the sky in my blood
So everyone could see
And it ended and I ended
And I stopped counting by landmarks and holidays because all of them were painted with the colour of you anyway
And every day I couldn’t breathe with missing you
And finally my lungs were getting used to a different kind of air
You blew smoke into them
Just as the tar was fading
I was overcoming an addiction but you
Handed me the needle on a silver platter
And addicts don’t say no.
And when I reached Halloween
I started remembering
Three hundred and sixty five days earlier
How can so many minutes have passed?
I wonder how many of those 525,600 minutes I spent thinking of you?
And how many more?
How many times will I keep letting the same thing hurt me
And deliberately reopen my wounds once they’ve begun to scar
And all I have to hold onto is words
And sometimes words aren’t enough.
But that’s okay too.
It’s nearly Easter again and I still don’t know how to stop feeling
It’s hard to be friends
with someone you once wanted
more than anything.
I was never enough
And I am still wondering
If anyone will ever want only me
I only exist
in your mind when you’re lonely.
And I still don’t mind.
You lied, like I knew, but I forgive you.
Wanting you never did anything good for me.
Because every time I want to tell him I love him and can’t
It hurts right here in the middle of my chest
And it sits burning a hole on my tongue
And catches like silk in the back of my throat
Because these words should taste like chocolate when they meet my lips
Not this sharp sourness of an unripe lemon.
And it is strange how they feel so warm inside me but cold in my mouth
And I try to kiss them into him
But even if I spell them onto his tongue with mine
They never leave, only linger.
And every moment I’m with him they get heavier
And sting harder the more I keep them inside.
I push them away and swallow their bitterness
And when he next looks at me or touches me
They crawl back up my throat like bile.
And when I drink and forget and they
Fly out and dance around in the air,
He watches them quietly and he catches them
And gives them back to me.
And he does it gently. But their return
Is even more painful than their imprisonment
And it reminds me that next time
I will swallow the bile and let it burn right through my tongue
I will let the silk choke me
Let the chill freeze my lips tight shut
So they don’t escape again.
he still loves her
I want to become the master of my own heart
It has seemed so far that it is a complex machine that only you have the instruction manual for
But I am taking it from you and keeping it away from all eyes but mine
I don’t want to hurt anymore
In fact I do not want
I want to be the gutter
It isn’t fair but we deserve it,
My heart and I.
We deserve revenge
We have been toyed with
Not taken seriously
I wonder if they will take us seriously now
When I break them
I do not care if they hate me
I will love me enough for us all
I will be destructive
Everything around me gone
Only me left
I think this is the only way
I will ever feel whole again