It was Halloween.
That was the first time.
I looked into the mirror and saw your name written in my eyes
And really, then, I knew.
It was Christmas.
That’s when it hurt to think of you
And the pain felt good.
And every night I dreamt of you
And I knew then that for the foreseeable future
Not a day would pass where you weren’t on my mind.
So on valentines day and you were hers
Sitting beside you was the best gift
I could have asked for
And I wanted you more than anything.
Easter. You were broken
And I thought I was your medicine.
I can heal you, can’t i?
I must be able to because you can
Heal my wounds by looking at them
And make me shine by smiling at me
Summer sun and I gave myself to you
Completely even knowing I shouldn’t
But I was never not going to.
Let’s be honest.
And you squeezed my heart dry
And I wrote your name across the sky in my blood
So everyone could see
And it ended and I ended
And I stopped counting by landmarks and holidays because all of them were painted with the colour of you anyway
And every day I couldn’t breathe with missing you
And finally my lungs were getting used to a different kind of air
You blew smoke into them
Just as the tar was fading
I was overcoming an addiction but you
Handed me the needle on a silver platter
And addicts don’t say no.
And when I reached Halloween
I started remembering
Three hundred and sixty five days earlier
How can so many minutes have passed?
I wonder how many of those 525,600 minutes I spent thinking of you?
And how many more?
How many times will I keep letting the same thing hurt me
And deliberately reopen my wounds once they’ve begun to scar
And all I have to hold onto is words
And sometimes words aren’t enough.
But that’s okay too.
It’s nearly Easter again and I still don’t know how to stop feeling
It’s hard to be friends
with someone you once wanted
more than anything.
I was never enough
And I am still wondering
If anyone will ever want only me
I only exist
in your mind when you’re lonely.
And I still don’t mind.
You lied, like I knew, but I forgive you.
Wanting you never did anything good for me.
Because every time I want to tell him I love him and can’t
It hurts right here in the middle of my chest
And it sits burning a hole on my tongue
And catches like silk in the back of my throat
Because these words should taste like chocolate when they meet my lips
Not this sharp sourness of an unripe lemon.
And it is strange how they feel so warm inside me but cold in my mouth
And I try to kiss them into him
But even if I spell them onto his tongue with mine
They never leave, only linger.
And every moment I’m with him they get heavier
And sting harder the more I keep them inside.
I push them away and swallow their bitterness
And when he next looks at me or touches me
They crawl back up my throat like bile.
And when I drink and forget and they
Fly out and dance around in the air,
He watches them quietly and he catches them
And gives them back to me.
And he does it gently. But their return
Is even more painful than their imprisonment
And it reminds me that next time
I will swallow the bile and let it burn right through my tongue
I will let the silk choke me
Let the chill freeze my lips tight shut
So they don’t escape again.
he still loves her
I want to become the master of my own heart
It has seemed so far that it is a complex machine that only you have the instruction manual for
But I am taking it from you and keeping it away from all eyes but mine
I don’t want to hurt anymore
In fact I do not want
I want to be the gutter
It isn’t fair but we deserve it,
My heart and I.
We deserve revenge
We have been toyed with
Not taken seriously
I wonder if they will take us seriously now
When I break them
I do not care if they hate me
I will love me enough for us all
I will be destructive
Everything around me gone
Only me left
I think this is the only way
I will ever feel whole again
WHY DOES MY HEART RATE STILL INCREASE
WHY DO I INSTINCTIVELY SMILE
AND WHY DO MY CHEEKS STILL FLUSH
WHEN YOU TEXT ME
it is time for me to stop writing poetry about you
to stop waiting on your texts and calls
and facebook messages and
(really it is just time for me to stop waiting on you)
it is time for me to stop dreaming about you
to stop entertaining my every thought with you
time to stop bringing you up in every conversation
(i can feel how it bores my friends)
it is time for me to try and forget
not about you- but about how you make me feel
and forget how i feel about you
it is time for me to move on
not from you- but from us
and from this twisted relationship full of lust and trust
dishonesty and admiration and hatred
and most of all love
it is time for me to stop crying over you
and time for me to find another reason to smile than you
time for you to stop being my everything
when i know i am just your something
it is time for me
to fall out of love
it is time.